Staying late in bed is one of my guilty pleasure. What I mean by guilty pleasure, is literally guilty pleasure. That is: I find it quite pleasurable and yet felt guilty right away after doing it. Last week, I made a Brilliant plan for today to wake-up early as 7:00, leave the house at 9:00, be in the library before 11:00, and have a very inspiring and productive day. I was hoping that inspiration would come and visit me today.
When the alarm woke me at 7:00 this morning as instructed, I was having a reassuring dream from which I do not wish to wake-up. I cannot remember the details of my dream, but I was certain that I was in that happy place.
Aside from the dream I was having, I found it difficult to leave the bed because it is still cold and dark outside ad it is warm in my bed. Before I knew it, I was negotiating with myself. Who said that I have to wake-up early today? It is my day off today and I can do anything I want. I deserve to say in bed as late as I could. I could just stay at home the whole day and do nothing. It is very cold outside.
It was the debate between the angel and the devil. In Freudian sense, it was a struggle between the super ego and the id. That brief moment, when I am still within the twilight zone of being half asleep and half awake, is usually the defining moment of how the day ahead of me would look like.
During that defining moment, however fleeting and brief it might be, the id always win the struggle. And I always feel guilty when it does. This morning is not an exception. I turned the alarm off and continued to sleep until I was naturally awaken at 9:30.
While drinking my coffee, I am starting to regain my full consciousness when and everything started to be clear. Reason is coming to the fore. I should have left the bed at 7:00 as promised and by this time, I should be already in the train. Then, an overpowering sense of guilt came over me. It is like a sense when an ex-smoker smoked after a couple of moths of being smoke free.
In most days, this will be my state of mind the whole day ahead. But while having my breakfast this morning, I have decided that I will not let the victory of the id decide the rest of my day. It is better late than never, I thought. So I changed as soon as I can and my bag was already packed yesterday anyway, so why not go and make a beautiful day out of it. Whatever happens today, it would be much better than a lethargic day at home.
I have failed to wake-up early this morning and so what? If that can be considered a failure at all, that failure should not define the rest of my day. I refuse to feel guilty about having a good sleep. Time will come, that good sleep will be scarce, so I must enjoy while it last. Feeling guilty about this pleasure makes no sense at all.
I might have started the day today later than I would have hoped, but that does not mean that the day will not be productive. Now, I have arrived in the library as planned and sitting in a very comfortable working place. Sometimes, a change of physical environment can also change one’s mind-set. I have conquered the day today and managed to escape the mindset lurking around this morning in which I do not want to find myself as much as possible.